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Archive for September, 2010

Sep 22

Rainbow Umbrella

How to See

Yesterday I was going into the grocery store when I overheard a young child call out to his mother, “Mama! I can’t see you!” She responded evenly, “Open your eyes.”

I got a kick out of the interchange. That might have had more to do with the fact of overwhelming fatigue on my part than with anything inherently funny about the dialogue, but I was amused nevertheless. “Oh yeah,” I thought to myself, “it’s a lot easier to see with your eyes open, isn’t it?”

I’m no less guilty than the next person of wandering through life at times with my eyes closed. Sometimes it’s actually important, and necessary to have our eyes closed – when events are too much, too overwhelming, we instinctively protect ourselves by closing our eyes, so to speak. By filtering what we take in, we can modulate our experience so that we don’t go to pieces. But, like many coping strategies forged out of necessity, navigating life blindly usually only works for so long. Until it doesn’t, and we’re faced with situations that call for us to feel/think/act/be differently.

How do you go about opening your eyes if they’ve been screwed shut against really seeing for so long? Well, like most changes, you first need to be aware of the situation – you need to know that your eyes are, in fact, closed, and that you’re missing pieces of experience that might otherwise present themselves to you. Then, there’s practicing. Open your eyes for just one brief moment. Take stock of what you see and then close them again. Now, try again – open your eyes, turn your head from side to side, see what you see. And so on. Know that you can always close your eyes if you need to. But if you open them, really open them, you might find that whatever reason you initially held for keeping them shut isn’t as compelling or frightening or necessary, really.

Part of my work as a therapist is reminding clients to open their eyes, and to see the world in its entirety – its full splendor and sometimes, its full terror. Another part is helping to cultivate a safe space in which this kind of seeing can become possible.

After witnessing this child and his mother, I walked around for a few moments yesterday afternoon with my eyes wide open. I probably looked ridiculous. But I found that opening my eyes also helped to open my heart. I smiled and quietly thanked them for reminding me, for a moment, how to see.

Sep 18

Capability

God, save me from the feeling that I am capable of everything.

Maimonides, 12th century rabbi and philosopher

We all have limitations, though some of us are loathe to admit it. Maimonides summed up well the sometimes double-edged nature of feeling as if we can take on anything that comes our way; it feels good to feel capable, and it feels daunting to live under the tyranny of expectations.

Sometimes finding our limits is an exercise in the obvious. I will never be invited to sing the national anthem at a baseball game (major, minor, or any other league). No amount of voice training is going to change my inherent tone deafness. Other times it’s a matter of trial and error. I learned over time that I lack a strong sense of direction. Each time I lose my car in a parking lot I’m reminded of this deficit.

There are benefits to knowing what we do well and allocating resources appropriately. Learning our limits also goes hand-in-hand with determining our strengths. If we focus solely on limitations, relying on a deficit-focused view of life, we miss out on countless opportunities to show the world what we’ve got and to thrive. The concepts of flourishing and thriving have been described by various authors in the positive psychology movement. Flourishing adults are described as having high levels of emotional well-being. They feel a sense of purpose, mastery, and self-acceptance. They capitalize on their strengths, while maintaining awareness of their limitations.

What are you capable of? How do you go about discovering, discerning, and developing your strengths? And what of your limitations? Do they keep you stuck, or have you learned to turn your gaze to what they can teach you about yourself?

I am not capable of everything; thank God. But I am capable of many things; as I work to determine what those things are, I grow and change, sometimes in unexpected ways.

Sep 9

Kaleidoscope

kaleidoscopeI was reading the other day about the concept of taking a reflective stance on experience. Backing up, seeing things from a different perspective, a new light – separating from the content of experience to view more clearly the process. All of these are important and helpful to prevent us from feeling stuck. There is a difference between being in an experience and observing it. With experiences that are particularly charged, this can be the difference between feeling caught up or consumed, and simply allowing it to unfold while watching it go by.

This kind of flexibility of mind that allows shifts in perspective from one to another to another without getting too fixed on any one point of view reminded me of a kaleidoscope. With each turn, a new image and a new reality are created, even though the raw materials are the same. The particularly nimble mind can slide from vantage point to vantage point, knowing that each new perspective can be beautiful in its own right, but also impermanent. Therapists (myself included) often foster and encourage this process of stepping back and reflecting, and also offer ideas for new ways of seeing.

If you’re feeling particularly stuck, imagine turning the kaleidoscope in your mind – shake things up a little, even – and allow yourself to be curious about what happens. What do you see?

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